Before the Doctor

I promised to post about what has happened up until I started this blog for you. So here's a little about that ..

Around November 2012 I became sick. Throwing up, crabby, sleepy, I really wanted to be alone 24/7. Your dad and I had a fight and I left to stay with Mimi (that's what she says she wants to be called right now - either way my mom) I still wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I didn't have anything to say. My mom thought I was pregnant. I didn't think so but I was afraid to take a test to find out for sure. I was scared because your dad had told me multiple times he wasn't ready for a baby. I didn't have a job and we were living with his dad. I see why he was saying that, now. However at the time I didn't understand. I was afraid to take a test because if it said positive, I was afraid he would be mad at me. Looking back it seems so silly now. But that's where I was then.

A few weeks passed and I wasn't as sick as I was before. Your aunts and cousins came in from North Carolina and Vegas for Thanksgiving. We had dinner with my family, just us at Mimi's house. Then had dinner with everyone on dads side at Granny Pat's. That night Aunt Rah Rah and I went shopping at Walmart to get my camera at a Black Friday price :) I wasn't feeling up to venturing anywhere else. I was instantly sick again.

The next day was a rough one. I woke up so sick I couldn't get out of bed. Weird things were happening to me and I was in horrible pain. I still refused to go see a doctor because I was so scared. Finally about a week later I went. I didn't see my regular doctor I saw who could get me in at the time. Test were ran, ultrasounds were done, and I was put back in the waiting room. Finally I was called back. The doctor told me I *might* have had a miscarriage. I was instantly crushed. He said I was probably 6 weeks along but there was no way to say for sure.

It was hard for your dad and I. For a while. Things have gotten better now as we try to not live in the past but move forward for our future. It is particularly hard for me. Though I know and trust in God that one day I will become pregnant and have a successful delivery and be able to see your smiling face.

Until next time ..

-Mommy